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| 1994 |
Birthdays are always exciting and a definite celebration of another year on this planet.
Birthdays have always been a weird time for me.
My mom knows that better than anyone.
It's like this never ending hole. You try to fill it up with whatever you can to make it feel better but its stays empty.
You try to fill it up with anything and everything imaginable: a busy schedule, need to do my best, academics, different interests, a lot of hobbies, food or emotional eating, excessive shopping, people, "love".
At least that's what I do.
It's never full. If anything, that hole stretches open a little more.
It just continues to stay open and continues to hope that what it's asking for will come and close it. Make it feel whole.
I have very vivid memories of waiting for him to come get me, call me, or even care enough to show up to any event in my life.
He'll never see me graduate, walk down the aisle, or meet his future grandchildren.
That's a decision I've made for myself and him.
I will never truly understand my biological father nor will I ever get to a point of wanting to.
That's just the way it is. Or as they say, just the way the cookie crumbles.
You always feel like the victim and frankly, you are (most of the time).
Am I not good enough? Why doesn't he love me? Did I deserve this?
But sometimes, you have to stop and think.
What made him this way?
Sometimes a person can only express the love they were given and sometimes it wasn't enough.
I appreciate what my biological father did for me until he left my life.
It's something I've learned to understand and continue to struggle with it daily. I also use it as a motivation. In essence, the "let me show you all that I can do" idea although he will never really know about any of it anyway.
It's always great to reflect and think about the people that are most important in your life. The people who are there for you no matter what. Especially, your father.
They say a girl's first love is her father. That isn't always the case for some of us, including myself.
My biological parents were young and clearly not meant for each other. Although some may think otherwise and wish that their parents were together, I am grateful they aren't. My life would be completely different if they were still together. Plus, my mother has never been happier.
You can't control what happens in your family and especially what happens to your parents. I am the product of a young marriage and stressful divorce.
I am forever blessed and grateful to have had a second chance at this "first love" idea.
Thankfully, another man came into my life and decided to take on the role as my father.
My wonderful, inspiring, and nevertheless embarrassing Dad is to thank for this.
I sometimes forget that I'm not his daughter until I look at my last name, darker features, and my incapability of liking the Mets. Sorry, Dad!
Having a Dad is awesome (until he finds out you like boys, makeup, and shopping uncontrollably).
I'm will be forever thankful for him even when we drive each other nuts.
I like to think of every birthday I've had and will continue to have as a new beginning. A new start.
A refresh button.
The candles on that cake is like an opportunity to change it all.
So, here's to my 20th year....
A year I expect to be full of happiness, opportunity, and just pure awesomeness.
